Thursday, August 23, 2007

Pathological fear

Whoa it's been awhile since I updated this bad boy, sorry about that! Life goes to fast sometimes. Well, most of the time actually.
So we are about a week and a half away from school starting here.I am really excited for the changes that are sure to take place for everyone in our family.
The kid's teacher and principle came by for a home visit yesterday, that was interesting. I was thinking it would have been more like last year when Mrs. Brandt came by. She brought Zach some flash cards and a new letter DVD called the Letter Factory and really focused on him. She sat next to him at the table and put her arm around him and talked to HIM about what he might expect that year. Well, this visit was nothing like that. The new teacher ( fresh out of college) did none of those things. She was very matter of fact about what is going to happen and she even came with a schedule of how their day will be run. She touched on discipline and her plan of action for that. But nothing fuzzy or cuddly. They left and I felt very disappointed and left with 100 pound weight on my shoulders of whether we are doing the right thing. I decided that I will sit in on a few classes and see how it's going. From the class schedule it looks as if the Kindergarten's will not be doing a whole lot during the day and the 1st graders will be doing quite a bit. Now... does she really think that those 5-6 year old will really sit and occupy themselves for that long without getting into trouble ? It should prove to be a very interesting year.

Another year of MMM has come and gone and I didn't get a call or even an email for HM. I don't know why I enter these contests, they do nothing but stress me out. It's addictive for one, because there is always that little guy in your mind saying " you never you know" " it could happen". But it's always the celeb's that seem to win it. I mean yes, there are some very talented ladies that deserve it, but there are always a few that you think WTH ? why her ? Why her work, what's so great about it ? But whatever, I am not dwelling on it.

I have this very strange fear and it keeps popping up and rearing it's ugly head. I do really well for while and then it comes back. I tried to find a name for ..some kind of phobia. There must be some name for it, but I wasn't about to look through a list of more than 530 types of phobias.... especially ones like - A fear of having peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth ... HUH ???
I busted out laughing.. maybe if you're a dog!!!
But this is real and I lose sleep over it, a lot of sleep. It's all I can think about.. the what if's, what would I do.. what would happen to my children . It's the fear of someone breaking into my house at night or someone waiting in the closet or under the bed .. it's whack, I know. But I literally can't help it, the fear is so real. Every noise is something.. I fly up and listen and wait,
it's terrible. It's reared it's ugly head the last couple weeks and I can't seem to put it to rest and the thing that makes it so irritating is that I have my husband sleeping right beside me... why I am so scared ? Because what if he would get killed first ? What would "I" do to protect my kids, what if they killed me and there would be no one there to protect those kids ? Or what if someone broke in their room and took them ? I would go out of my mind!! I am not normally a paranoid morbid person.What the hell is wrong with me ? Anyway, I haven't been sleeping much the last couple weeks and it's really taking it's toll. I am tired and so sick of thinking these horrible thoughts every night. I have always had this nagging feeling that I am going to lose someone I love in a tragic way... maybe that's why I have this fear. It's like I am waiting for it to come because I know it's going to. Or maybe it's just part of the phobia. I try not to think about it during the day, I wanted to get this down here while it's fresh in my mind so I can come back and do a layout about it. On to better thoughts .....

Hey Katie, if you see this .. I hope you don't mind that I scrapped Emma, I couldn't help myself. That photo just screamed SCRAP ME !!! LOL

We went to a Minor League baseball game last week, it was so fun! The kid's just had a blast. It was Fang's ( the Mascot) birthday and they celebrated by having a lot of fun things for the kid's to do. Here are a few pics from that night.

You know those little conversations that take place in the car, the ones that occupy the time and keep the kids from fighting on the way to town ? Ok, so I was listening to the kids talk about what they want to be when they grow up and I said "Chloe, I think you would make a great teacher". She agreed, and that's just what she is going to be when she grows up. Zach says " Mom, I know what you want me to be.. a baseball player".. followed by a big sigh and any eye roll I probably didn't catch. I said " No, I don't care what you do when you grow up as long as you go to college and find something that you LOVE to do". So he didn't say anything, he must have been processing that in his little brain and comes out with " I want to be a pastor when I grow up"! YES !!!That's what I like to hear! Now, hopefully he won't stray from that and really follow that dream. But if we all did what we said we wanted to do when we were little , I would be a truck driver!

God Bless!


Nicole said...

Hey Becky!
It's nice to see you posting girl, love the new layouts . . . and hang in there girl! You're work is totally amazing and don't ever think other wise.

Meredith Taylor said...

First off - The MMM people and SOY people are insane. You are one of the entries that I loved and I have no idea how you didn't get a HM at least. Your work rocks so don't stop!

I totally have that fear too (minus the kids). I have no idea why or where it comes from but it's there. I do my best to cuddle up next to the DH and tell myself that I'm silly and we are fine! The creepiest was during Wilma when our power was out - you could hear EVERYTHING outside and I knew someone was on our stairs. Dumb!

You have a such a beautiful family and your work is so inspiring! I hope you have a great weekend!

~Holly~ said...

I love love your work Becky, I'm sorry you didn't get "the call" but you are totally talented!! Don't forget it!!

I must have the same phobia as you because I go through the same fears, the same not sleeping the worries and it will work itself in to a panic attack where I freak out and can't breathe.... I don't know why or how to fix it.

If you ever want to talk let me know!

Theresa Tyree said...

Hi Becky,
First of all, you hit the nail on the head when, at the end of your post, you said, "God Bless". There's your answer. God. I, too, have the same fears you have. This is the reason my 4yo DS sleeps at the foot of our bed on his crib mattress on the floor. It first started when he was an infant, I wanted to make sure I could hear him breathing. Then I wanted to make sure nobody snatched him from his room while we were sleeping. I think this is a universal that all moms have. But when I have these fears, I remember the scripture, "Perfect Love casteth out all fear". And I say it over and over again until the fear is gone. I don't know the location of the scripture. I can find it if you want. I just imagine our home/children being surrounded by thousands of angels protecting/watching over us. It works for me.


Theresa Tyree said...

Shucks, I forgot to say-
Ditto to all the comments posted above. Your work is amazing!! Who knows what those judges are smoking at the time. It's ridiculous! Don't tell anyone, but I also have the same thoughts running through my mind when I see some of the winner's work. Some truly are amazing while others you just wonder. Thanks for being so open and honest. We all think it but don't dare to say it publicly.
I'm so excited to be on the PT DT with you! It's gonna be a blast!!!

Anonymous said...

I am so happy to hear someone so candid with your comments. It is something I always want to say but could never do it in regards to DT issue . I mean everything you said is exactly how I feel.I just wonder what in the world? But you know how it is right now, it is almost like you have to know the right people and almost a click things. I hate it. There are so many talented women out there but not noticed. With all the comments in here do you think its the same case for all women. I have the same exact fear and my hubby sometimes teases me about it but mostly supports me and help's me feel better. Recently got an alarm system best $40 a month I am willing to spend. But your thoughts and fears are exactly like mine. I actually feel better now, cuz I now know i am not crazy and it is a normal thing to have.
Michelle Magana
chenguna00 from AMM